Tigers and the Corbett Tiger Reserve have been in the news recently, so have other wildlife-related stories, one such instance is the problem of rogue elephants in Kerala. Down in Jungleland meets a 'spokes-tiger' in Corbett to know what they feel about the recent developments. Down in Jungleland (DiJ): Recently, the Supreme Court said that tiger safaris can be held in the buffer zones of a tiger reserve. But these can only be stocked with injured tigers that are recovering, delinquent tigers or orphans who cannot be rehabilitated. What do you think about this? Tiger: As long as it gets the tourist paparazzi off our backs, it’s welcome. Don’t know what kicks the tourists will get gaping at sick or limping tigers, though they will get cheap thrills watching the delinquents roar and snarl and swagger around. Perhaps, they could open a petting zoo for orphaned cubs that cannot be re-wilded, children would love that. DiJ: Don’t you think this will detract from the ultimate purpose of tiger reserves and national parks – where all fauna and flora should be seen and appreciated and protected equally? Nature in all its glory. Tiger: Bah! Get real, bhaisahib. Almost 99 per cent of visitors only want to see us and nothing else, and if they don’t, they demand their money back. By the way, the missus was asking if there is any way we, normal tigers, can apply for a place in the tiger safari. The cubs were very excited and said that, according to their social media posts, exotic buffets would be laid out every day for them, with imported hippopotamus, zebra and giraffe on the menu, so they wouldn’t have to learn how to hunt, and people will take pictures and videos of them, which will go viral, and they’ll become YouTube megastars and all… DiJ: But surely it wouldn’t be nice to have your innocent cubs mix with the hoodlum tigers they might have there. They’ll get corrupted and may even start doing drugs. Tiger: Yes, well, actually that’s what the kids want the most… I tried to explain to them that it’s never worthwhile meeting your heroes, but you know, kids these days… DiJ: What do you think they should do about all the ‘destination weddings’ that are being held in the vicinity of tiger reserves, like Corbett, for instance? Doesn’t the noise disturb you? Tiger: Arre bhaisahib, the babies are complaining that they are never invited to these events – they want to do naach-gaana and nattu-nattu, also. They said a leopard apparently tried to gate-crash once, and caused total bedlam and was chased away. DiJ: There’s been a lot in the news about Ambani Jr.’s rescue centre in Jamnagar. What are your views about that? Tiger: (Shaking his head and lowering his voice) Shh… the missus has been nagging me endlessly saying we should go there for a holiday. It’ll be like being at a 7-star spa, and such a pleasant change of scene and that I never take her anywhere. Bhaisahib, I have 150 sq. km. of territory to patrol, so where’s the time? But she says, she’s never seen ring-tailed lemurs or Elon Musk, and they’re on her bucket list. I keep telling her that the rescue centre is more for traumatised elephants and sloth bears who have been badly treated but she doesn’t want to listen. DiJ: Talking about elephants, Kerala has just indicated that it’s going to bypass the Wildlife (Protection) Act that gives elephants Z1 security, so that they can deal with rogue elephants more quickly and easily. Wild boar is being declared as vermin. Your views? Tiger: All of us in the animal kingdom are of one view: All of us wild animals – snakes, crocodiles, tigers, bears, leopards, sharks, buffalo, et al. kill far fewer people every year than do your motor vehicles. So why aren’t ‘shoot-at-sight’ orders issued for such vehicles and their drivers? Why aren’t they declared to be vermin? At least, put them in a zoo or have special safari enclosures for them, where everyone can ogle them and throw rotten eggs and tomatoes at them. A tusker stoked up with 60 times the normal amount of testosterone hardly knows which end is up: all he is aware of is the red mist… he’s not in his normal senses, so how can he be justifiably targeted when he bulldozes houses? Besides, you are doing that sort of thing to yourselves… DiJ: There was more distressing news about 6,000 trees being felled in Corbett recently, ostensibly for ecotourism, but actually to make money… Tiger: In our view it should be a capital offense! All of us animals use trees for different purposes: for food and shelter and as back-scratchers. For us, tigers, it’s our social media. How would you like it if all your social media platforms were taken down overnight? You’ll be running to your therapists like headless chicken! Honestly, your species has such double standards. You’re going to murder some 850,000 legendary rainforest trees in the Nicobar Islands and relocate the local population if necessary to turn it into Hong Kong, of all godforsaken places, and say you’ll recompense by planting trees in Haryana. Have you asked the Nicobar Imperial Pigeon or the Nicobar Megapode – and the locals – if they would like to reside in a gated colony in Gurugram with a golf-course view called Dandelion? DiJ: As we bring this to a close, any concluding words of wisdom from you? Tiger: There are no rogue tigers, leopards or elephants. There are only rogue people. Period.
