How comparing yourself to partner’s ex can affect relationship — and how to break free

Psychological factors that contribute to ‘Rebecca Syndrome’

Sonal Khangarot, licensed rehabilitation counsellor and psychotherapist, The Answer Room, says, “Various factors contribute to Rebecca Syndrome, including insecurity, low self-esteem, and feelings of inadequacy. Access to information about the former partner via social media can lead to making them a benchmark one feels they need to surpass to maintain a healthy relationship with their partner. Previous failed relationships that have left scars on a person’s mind can also contribute to this issue.”

She suggests that a psychometric assessment at the start of sessions is advisable to establish the foundation of attachment styles that may have developed at home. “Rebecca Syndrome, also known as ‘Retroactive Jealousy,’ often involves an individual’s brain becoming fixated on obsessive thoughts about memories, images, or ideas that create an obsessive thought cycle dominating the mind. If a partner harbours an emotional connection with their ex, it can also contribute to feelings of jealousy or insecurity within the relationship,” she explains.

If stalking the ex on social media or listening to old audio recordings acts as a trigger, it’s important to avoid these behaviours to protect one’s mental well-being. (Source: Freepik)

Effect of constant comparison on relationship dynamics

Khangarot notes that every relationship has conflicts, and each couple has their own strategies to resolve them. “However, constant comparison with an ex can erode the trust and intimacy in a relationship. The individual making the comparison may feel they aren’t good enough, while the partner may feel unfairly scrutinised, creating emotional distance,” she mentions. 

Such dynamics can create a toxic cycle where insecurity is heightened, leading to conflicts and leaving both partners feeling unsupported and disconnected.

Practical strategies for individuals to break free from this habit 

An individual’s thoughts, ideas, and beliefs are a part of them, but they are not the entirety of their identity. Khangarot elaborates, “We may have thoughts that we believe are facts, but the reality can be different. Breaking this cycle requires heightened self-awareness, which can be cultivated over time.”

Some practical strategies according to Khangarot include practicing gratitude — sometimes, we become lost in what we don’t have and what we think we need, which blurs our vision and prevents us from appreciating what is right in front of us. “Journaling our thoughts and reflecting on them is also advisable, as it provides a healthy outlet for reflection.” 

Seeking professional help to work on oneself and as a couple is highly recommended; a therapist is a neutral party who maintains a professional relationship with both partners and does not have emotional bias.

Khangarot adds, “Limiting exposure to triggers and gaining clarity about one’s current situation and goals for the relationship are also important. If stalking the ex on social media or listening to old audio recordings acts as a trigger, it’s important to avoid these behaviours to protect one’s mental well-being.”