Age?Isn't that supposed to be just a number? But in my case, it's a whole lot of numbers! Even I've lost count!Beginning at the beginning, how did you land this job?Here I was minding my own business, brushing my pet polar bear at my home in the North Pole, when the telephone rang! It was the model coordinator from the local modelling agency! He'd spotted me at our Christmas ball. with the kids just refusing to let go off my snow-white beard. and bingo! The idea clicked, the paunch launched, and the beard steered me to fame! I couldn't believe it! Before I could even say Jingle Bells, Santa Claus had come to town!So what exactly does Santa do?. besides keeping my figure intact, you mean!! Well, all year round, I brush up on my driving skills (at my age, I can't take chances, you see!), devise quicker ways to sort out mail, re-charge my batteries for all the running around in late December and, of course, keep my elves on their toes.Ah! But what about labour problems?Oh, the elves have been cribbing. there are more and more homes to go to every year. the kids aren't so easy to please anymore, and let me not even start on the recession. All this coupled with other problems like the what-do-you-call-it, the ``lingo'' that I just don't understand. All the ``Yo Santa'' and the ``cool stuff'' and the ``just chill, man''. hey, it's already freezing out here, I can't get any cooler!So does that mean there's little job satisfaction?Look, somebody's got to do the job, right. Not all can slide down chimneys year after year. But honestly, life at the North Pole can get real lonely at times, and bringing the kids what they want is such fun.Talking about kids, what are they asking for these days?That's the tough part. Firstly, I have hassles accessing all the mail that floods my in-box. And when I can, it doesn't make sense. I mean, one kid asked for Windows '99 this year. Who does she think I am? CEO of Microsoft? Another said he wanted nothing for himself, just that India win the cricket World Cup next year. To use their own lingo, give me a break, man!And all that running around, how do you cope with jet lag, oops, sleigh lag?Thank heavens, this year, the trips have been sponsored by North-South Airlines. The service is really good, y'know, central heating, latest flicks (that I miss all year round), hot chocolate that stays hot. And I don't have to hear Rudy and gang crib.Rudy? Oh Rudolph? How's he doing?His nose is still as red as ever. And he's getting really cranky in his old age. making all sorts of digs at my weight. But that's my USP. Too bad if he doesn't understand.Talking of which, hasn't the new age fitness bug bitten you so far?Ever tried lugging around that huge sack of gifts, all round the globe, all through one night, and then shimmying down chimneys of assorted dimensions?If that's not exercise, what is?Yeah, but that's one night. What do you do the remaining 364 nights of the year?I'm moving with the times, I'm cutting my own album. Actually re-mixing the evergreen Santa songs. y'know, `Jingle Bells' and `Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer'. So along with the toy factory, there's a lot happening at my music factory too.Any retirement plans?Yeah, soon. maybe in a couple of hundred years from now. My old bones would love it. I've saved and bought this tree house near the Equator, where I'd just enjoy basking. I'm longing for my first sun tan. And when they make some more folks my size, I want to start a finishing school for Santas. Ain't that cool?Finally, what is Santa Claus most likely to say?Size does matter.What is he least likely to say?What is the latest diet programme in town?Chip `n' Dale
