An Affair to Remember

‘‘That was the beginning. Then one thing led to another and I was in love with Dev.

‘‘After Dev came into my life, I was a different person, happy and excited. Suddenly there was life in me. I had stopped being the whiny, nagging wife and mom. Because I was so happy within myself and it reflected in my behaviour to my husband and kids. I had everything — an uninterrupted family with my husband and kids on one side and Dev, my love, on the other. Together, we made a complete picture.’’

And an unconventional one too. Or perhaps not. A recent study conducted among women in the high-income group by a Mumbai-based social group found 62.3 per cent were involved in extra-marital affairs. Anindita Paul, head of Crisis Intervention at Sanjivani, a counselling organisation for the troubled mind in New Delhi, claims that 40 per cent of the cases that come to her for counselling, arise from extra-marital affairs. Dr Avdesh Sharma, a Delhi-based psychiatrist, has seen ‘‘a 200-300 per cent increase’’ in the number of extra-marital affairs in the last five years. Clearly, like Prachi, a growing number of urban women are seeking happiness in hitherto forbidden territory.

It has been some time since the young urban Indian woman moved out of the confines of her home — reaching out for higher education, professional careers and financial independence. Now she has also begun to recognise her needs and desires and found that unlike in her mother’s time, she is not happy with dull co-existence in marriage. If there is indifference or an uncaring attitude on the part of her spouse, she does not want to take it.

‘‘Women now have a sense of social equality with the man,’’ says Dr Sharma. ‘‘Her premise is, ‘If he can do it, why can’t I?’’’ As Mallika Akbar, a psychoanalyst in New Delhi explains, ‘‘A woman does have very powerful needs for emotional sustenance and attention. Men do not seem to accept their needs. What sustained the women of the older generation — their families, husbands, religion — don’t seem to work for the young woman today.’’

What makes the extra-marital fling even more tempting for the modern woman today is the array of possibilities open to her that were just not available earlier. Consider Ayesha’s story: Aditya was her family physician. ‘‘He knew my husband and I were having marital problems. Aditya was very caring as a physician and he would counsel me to cope with my marriage. I was constantly crying on his shoulder. Before I knew it, I was in love with him.

‘‘Initially I would visit him at the hospital. As we both had families, we had to conduct a clandestine affair. So we started driving secretively out of Delhi. I would let my driver drop me off at my best friend’s house. Then I would sneak off into a cab and meet Aditya, who would be waiting in a hired cab too.

‘‘We would drive off to Gurgaon or even Sariska and come back. With my friend as an alibi and a mobile phone, it was difficult for anyone to trace me. Sometimes, Aditya and I would go to one of his friend’s farmhouses. Often, I would go to a shopping mall with my driver. He would wait outside and I would leave from another exit with Aditya and come back after 2-3 hours. It was difficult to move around, but we managed one way or the other.’’

How much more convenient could a clandestine affair be? A cloak of anonymity exists in the big cities today. Says Dr Sharma, ‘‘There are personalised systems like mobiles and e-mails today that virtually make it impossible for someone to track you down or know what you are writing and sharing with another person. The mobile phone can be used from anywhere without the receiver ever knowing the true whereabouts.’’ Unless, of course, you know the proprietor of the phone company.

Anjalika and Gaurav met at work. ‘‘As we got close to one another, we would spend time after work in either in his or my office. If one of us was travelling on work, the other would plan accordingly. It wasn’t too difficult to do that. Once my boyfriend asked me to join him for a breakfast in Paris.’’

Forbidden love may be exciting but what about the fear of getting caught and the repercussions? The women involved are surprisingly nonchalant. ‘‘I knew I would sort this out with my husband one way or the other,’’ says Prachi.

‘‘It depends upon each individual,’’ says Akbar. ‘‘The spouse might don the garb of ‘you can do it, you have your needs and I can’t meet them.’ There are men who don’t give a damn and really want to preserve the social structure that they have created. But usually, there is a sense of rejection in the spouse and tremendous anger from whoever is the rejected partner. This inevitably affects the relationship. However, in rare cases, there is genuine love from the husband where he is caring enough to want her back in spite of what she’s done. He can be compassionate and forgiving in such situations.’’

Where does it leave the woman with two men existing side by side? And what happens when the new man too starts to pay less attention? The extra-marital affair invariably leaves scars. ‘‘Very often it is rationalised,’’ says Dr Sharma. ‘‘I am doing this because my husband is doing it or he does not pay attention to me. Rationalisation is a defence. When the defensive structure breaks down, you see symptoms of a lot of confusion for her. A feeling of being torn between the two men. She’s always living with a sense of harming one. It can lead to some kind unhappiness, terrible anxiety and in many cases guilt and depression,’’ he adds.

Like all affairs, Prachi’s came to an end when her husband found out and confronted her. ‘‘My husband forgave me. But I felt that I had deeply hurt him. Perhaps in the process I had hurt myself a bit more because from now Dev was not coming back. I was unhappy with the way things ended but I have no regrets about what I have done.’’

Dr Prakash Kothari, sexologist in Mumbai, says, ‘‘I neither condemn extra-marital affairs nor do I recommend it.’’ According to him, ‘‘People feel that a flower in someone else’s garden always looks more attractive when you ignore your own. Follow Walter’s advice, ‘Try to cultivate your own garden.’ A Garden of Eden? Perhaps not.