Charleston, SC — After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he “could no longer resist the urge.” “My fellow Americans, I am sick and tired of not being president,” said Clinton, introducing his wife at a “Hillary ’08” rally. “For seven agonising years, I have sat idly by as others experienced the joys of campaigning, debating, and interacting with the people of this great nation, and I simply cannot take it anymore. I have to be president again. I have to.”. He continued, “It is with a great sense of relief that I say to all of you today, ‘Screw it. I’m in.’”In a show of respect, Clinton then completed his introduction of Hillary Clinton, calling her a “wonderful wife and worthy political adversary,” and warmly shook her hand as she approached the podium. A clearly shocked Mrs Clinton got halfway through her speech about the nation’s obligation to its children before walking briskly offstage. “No longer will I have to endure watching candidates like Hillary Clinton engaging in single-pump handshakes with voters, as I use every last ounce of restraint not to shout out, ‘No! Warm double-clasp! Warm double-clasp!’” Clinton said. “America deserves someone who can do it right.” While the announcement has come as a surprise to many, Beltway observers said it was not completely unexpected, citing footage from a recent Democratic debate that showed Clinton fidgeting in his seat, gripping the arms of his chair, and repeatedly glancing at all the television cameras while rapidly tapping his right foot. Analysts also noted one debate in which Clinton mouthed responses to all the moderator’s questions while making hand gestures to himself. Clinton told reporters Tuesday that seeing so many “Clinton ’08” posters “really got [him] thinking,” and said that the fact that he was already wearing a suit, and smiling and waving on the campaign trail was an added motivator. “And the applause,” Clinton added. “I look forward to the endless roar of applause perhaps most of all.”.Although some have pointed out that it is unconstitutional for Clinton to run for a third term in office, he has silenced most critics by urging voters “not to worry about the Constitution for now” and assuring them he will address those legal issues immediately after regaining control of the White House. Clinton also noted that, if elected, the timing would be perfect for his family, as his wife has recently expressed a desire to move back to the D.C. area. Excerpted from the satirical newspaper, ‘The Onion’, January 23
