Tags:
Journalism of Courage
What are the things one normally looks for in a wedding card? The date, place and time of the wedding, along with the names of the couple, of course. Of late, however, another little item has begun to make its presence felt. And despite being right at the bottom of the card, all invitees are expected to read and adhere to it. It is a simple yet firm message: “Please do not bring any gifts or flowers.”
No gifts? No cash? For a wedding! But weren’t the two almost synonymous at one point of time? Perhaps. But since the past few years, things have changed. From being welcome, gifts have come to be regarded as unsavoury, even unwanted.
“This has been happening since the past four to five years. But in the last couple of years, it has gained in popularity. Ninety per cent of the wedding cards we receive request people to come with blessings and nothing else,” supplements Aruna Sathaye, vice-principal, BMCC Junior College, who recently hosted her daughter’s wedding with a similar request on the card.
“This was primarily for two reasons,” explains Sathaye. “First, there are always some people who are not too eager to give gifts, and without such a request, might not come for the wedding. So we did away with anything that could inhibit their coming. Again, if we accept gifts, we also have to reciprocate. We have to keep a track of who has given what, and giving a return gift in due proportion is quite taxing”.
Something Vatsala Mavinkurve, too, believed in when she added the request on her son’s wedding card. “It’s very difficult to carry all the gifts back and then keep an account of them. For my son’s wedding, neither the girl’s parents nor we accepted anything. Of course,” she adds, “close friends and relatives do give something before or after the wedding and you cannot escape that. So we keep a limited number of return gifts ready”.
“In fact, I wanted to do this even when my elder daughter was getting married, but since the boy’s parents were not too keen on it, I desisted. Till date, I am saddled with some gifts I do not know what to do with. Quite frankly, half the things received are unusable and can only be gifted off further. And though I do it, it’s not a nice feeling,” laments Sathaye.
Then there are some who refuse gifts purely on principle. Like R.M. Patel, who has a newsprint business and who did not accept any gift, even from close relatives, during his sons’ weddings. “It’s an obligation I’d rather not take. Why unnecessarily burden people for your family’s celebrations?” he counters.
However, while Mavinkurve hails this trend, she admits to feeling odd whence on the other side of the fence. “You attend these functions with your family, and no lunch or dinner is less than Rs. 60 or 70 per head these days. So you do feel bad not giving anything in return.”
A point seconded by Asha Seth, who would rather not attend a wedding where she has to go empty-handed. “I think it’s a most unwelcome practice. It has become a fad. Whatever is taken for the newlyweds, who are on the brink of starting a new life, is just a token of one’s best wishes and blessings. Why view it so materialistically? And it’s not as though people give more than they can afford. Some give Rs. 21, others Rs. 501, the amount is immaterial but the thought counts. In our Punjabi community, in fact, it was considered shameful to go to a wedding empty-handed, but now, even amongst us, this is changing. Initially, I’d take an envelope along, hoping that I could persuade the host into accepting it, but while all refused it, some even took offense to the gesture!”
Ruth Naik admits that fobbing off enthusiastic givers can cause embarrassment. “However, we were very firm about not accepting anything during our son’s wedding. It would be unfair to those who had been mature enough to respect our desire of not bringing gifts along,” says Naik. “In our case, our son has settled abroad and there was no way he could have carried any gifts with him. "In fact, abroad, when a newly-wed couple set up home, they themselves provide the name and address of the shop from where their friends could pick up gifts, if they so desired. The store is also given a list of things required by the couple. This list is offered to the guests who choose what they want to buy. The store-keeper then keeps track of the things sold so as to avoid duplication. Thus no gift is wasted, unlike here”.
While it is commonly believed that this trend is restricted to the Gujarati and Maharashtrian communities, the custom has crossed barriers of caste and class. “I don’t think it has anything to do with caste and community or even money,” opines Sathaye. “It has everything to do with education and exposure. I have observed that in households with a working mother, this is a more common trend”.
Even as wedding ceremonies become more ostentatious by the day, this trend is an incongruous return to simplicity, with the obligatory gifts and cash being knocked off the agenda. Perhaps it’s not such a materialistic world after all.
