Countdown to Modi

8.22: Star News: BJP 7/Congress 0. Anchor Gaurav to journo M.J. Akbar: “Madame is in trouble”. Puppet graphic of Madame’s head shaking, sadly, Modi’s in triumph.

8.30: NDTV India: BJP 7/Cong 1. Journalist and BJP’s Rajya Sabha member, Chandan Mitra, gloating: BJP is surging ahead very quickly.

8.33: Aaj Tak: BJP 11/Congress 8. Anchor Deepak Chaurasia: these are leadings which could easily be losings rather than winnings… Other anchor: Yes, there’s a worry that there’s no clean sweep… Chaurasia: There’s no worry (you fool, don’t be so BJP on air). Just our hearts are beating fast, (as hearts are wont to)… now, it’s BJP 10, Cong 10, no, it’s BJP 11, Congress 13 — Chuck Modi and Chak De Congress? This is a Twenty20…

8.40: Zee News: … match, and we’re rapidly heading towards a photo finish… after this break.

8.42: India TV: BJP 18, Congress 14. Perplexed psephologist: (oh dear) no wave.

8.45. NDTV 24×7: BJP 23/Congress 15. Barkha Dutt: Clearly, it seems that so far there may be no change for Modi… Prannoy Roy: We may be looking at 100 or 90, or 100+ for Modi…

8.50-8.55 Times Now: 28 BJP/30 Congress. Anchor Arnab Goswami (shouting): Good morning. A fact that is unavoidable is that Gujarat is a neck to neck race…

9.00. CNN-IBN: Yogendra Yadav: Rough projection is BJP in the 90s and as you know from Sachin Tendulkar how treacherous the 80s and 90s can be… Anything can happen.

9.10: DD News: (now half awake) 60 BJP, 59 Congress.

9.12: Star News: BJP 65, Congress 52. Anchor: We are into the slog overs. We can say this, the Congress will not get a majority. Akbar: Yes, that much is clear (but nothing else is). Star psephologist: Wait, on, our poll was a very scientific poll…

9.20: Aaj Tak: BJP 77/Congress 56. Chaurasia: Prabhu (Chawla): No Chak De Congress now? Chawla: No BJP swing either.

9.27: NDTV 24×7: Mr Modi will be the next chief minister…

Times Now: “(Modi) is the Master hero…”

9.55 CNN-IBN: Modi…

NDTV India: Sibal: But it’s still a loss for BJP… In one hour everything changed without changing at all.

Comments: DD News was so stale. A staid discussion beginning circa 1947. Javed Ansari, permanent resident of Doordarshan, typified the somnolence.

Star News: The men in black, anchor Gaurav and M.J. Akbar, were on their feet throughout (to applaud the winner?). Puppet heads of Modi, Madame and Others shook from side to side for no reason. Interesting.

NDTV India sat on Gujarat Ki Gaddi like it has settled in for the night. Try as Vinod Dua might to bestir the sleeping giant, it did not awaken. Channel requires a piercing wake-up call.

Aaj Tak: Deepak Chaurasia and a dholak competed for who could make more noise. Deepak won. The show was almost demure without its habitual headlines-in-a-hurry style.

NDTV 24×7: The old firm of Prannoy Roy, Dorab Sopariwalla, Barkha Dutt and introducing Srinivasan Jain — not quite upto it. Like an old sweater, NDTV’s holes are showing, though you remain comforted by the knowledge that Roy will explain everything to you, all in good time, eventually.

Times Now: Nobody has bothered to tell Arnab Goswami he is speaking into a microphone. Rahul Srivastava was far calmer, Mahesh Rangarajan a sphinx who knew things were developing, but not what was happening.

CNN-IBN: Rajdeep Sardesai almost as calm as Yogendra Yadav. Together, they ransacked the proceedings, the figures looking for telltale signs of why Modi won.

Advice: Don’t predict outcomes till they’re out. Invite cricket commentators to anchor election coverage because elections is a game of glorious uncertainties. And, if Congress is serious about defeating Modi, it must enlist Rakhi Sawant who rivalled him for histrionics, TV time and possesses a better figure.

shailaja.bajpai@expressindia.com