Dreary minds, Down Under

Our life is actually pretty boring . Here’s a glimpse into what we do in our spare time. Our weekends are largely spent on one of the following activities. The NRI weekend get-together: this is our default weekend activity. Various NRIs, mostly IT professionals with a smattering of doctors and MBAs, gather at a restaurant, or at someone’s home. They typically begin about 90 minutes after their scheduled time. As people arrive, jokes are cracked about their sense of time, or the lack thereof. These are the exact same jokes that were cracked the previous weekend. Everyone laughs. Men and women split into separate groups. Bottles of wine are popped open: red for the men and mostly white for the women. Discussions centre on a few major issues: how India has changed in the past ten years, how Bollywood movies are so different, how cheap it is to call home now, and why we all should move back soon.

Two, the NRI “surprise” birthday parties. These are occasions when someone throws a surprise birthday party for her unsuspecting spouse (the victim). The activity begins with her sending out emails to friends. Plans are made to lure the victim away from home at a predeermined time. Hushed phone calls generate tremendous excitement. The day arrives. The conspirators turn up, and park at secret, pre-designated spots. They enter the victim’s house and wait. As soon as the victim’s car pulls up, a stern “silence” warning is issued. The hapless victim enters the house. People wait with bated breath. As soon he walks past the corridor and into the kitchen, everyone pounces. “Surprise!” they yell. The victim acts shocked and the conspirators break out into rounds of self-congratulatory back-slapping. They recount exhilarating tales of how the event was planned. Bottles of wine are opened, red for the men, white for the women. Discussions begin. On how India has changed, on Bollywood films, on dialing rates and on how great it would be to be back in India.

The NRI getaways. At one of these parties, someone mentions the need to break away from it all. Everyone nods. In the coming weeks, schedules are reviewed. The essentials are listed. They are identical to the last getaway. A table tennis or a pool table, a fireplace, preferably a hot tub. Oh, and definitely not more than two hours’ drive from home. There are limits to adventurism! On the designated long weekend, everyone arrives at this paradise on earth. The men hit the beers . The women hit the wines, white of course. The hot tub goes unused because the women are reluctant to wear swimsuits in front of other desis, no matter how friendly. So, a few rounds of Antakshri are played instead. Discussions begin. On how India has changed, Bollywood movies,…well, you get the idea. So the next time an NRI gives you any grief about the exotic, bacteria-free life in the US, UK or Australia, remember this confession, and smile!

The writer is director, Global Vision