Fair and Lovely

‘‘Of course not,’’ giggled the beauty assistant at Clarins in Mumbai, who was giving me a

Personal Blend Facial, one of those customised all-men treatments.

‘‘The Contouring Lift, with its special massage movements, is meant to just refine one’s facial features, sir. It’s very popular in the Far East,’’ she reassured me. The Far East brought the Laughing Buddha to mind, but I still believed her.

The Facial Lift was just one of the many treatments I underwent during the 90-minute session at the studio, where I

lay wrapped in layers of fresh linen like a vain pharaoh about to be entombed with his favourite moisturiser.

My cosy room’s ceiling had an image of a blue sky with fluffy clouds; music—the kind probably heard in heaven’s elevators—played on, and there was the soothing aroma of ‘‘Clarins essential oil’’ released from a burner.

A brief consultation followed and Kohli announced that my skin type was dry and also learnt, to her consternation, that the only skincare product I ever used was the occasional dab of cold cream.

Is this totally metrosexual territory, I asked Kohli, as she spread some foamy cleanser on my face.

‘‘Three out of every 10 customers we get are men—young adults and also corporates. Basically, unlike women who go the whole hog, men just want that healthy glow on their faces.’’ So these, I thought, were the people who picked up impossibly named products like after-shave healers.

Kohli was now preparing me for exfoliation. My head was covered with a hood which, I thought, made me resemble Snoop Doggy Dog. Peace to my peeps on earth.

But exfoliation, gentlemen, is not as dreadful as it sounds; a grainy cream and something known as an active face wash remove all the dead cells that populate your mug. ‘‘What you are touching now is fresh skin,’’ said Kohli, as I felt my ‘new’ skin and imagined, rather cornily, baby cells crying out for their dear departed.

It was time for the shoulder massage, which was immediately followed by a face and scalp massage that used 100 per cent plant-based oils, which were non-comedogenic (that’s goop you can use on ultrasensitive skin) and not tested on animals. All of which made me sleepy, highly malleable and ready to share my darkest secrets with Kohli. She only had to ask.

However, I still couldn’t figure out why people shelled out Rs 2,000 for the treatment and was also not convinced about its effect on my face.

‘‘A single sitting won’t make a difference. Our regulars have great skin and ask for our products by name,’’ Kohli said, before unveiling that superhero of skincare products. Please welcome the Fatigue Fighter, an intensive face mask that goes deep inside the skin, nourishes and rejuvenates it.

The Fatigue Fighter and its follow-ups—an under-eye serum and a moisture balm—were, I admit, pretty refreshing. You never know what might happen if I bump into Rakesh Roshan one of these days.

Ten minutes later, a splash of tingling Eau Dynamisante wound up my session. I sat there sipping fresh herbal tea, while Kohli gave me some cream and gel samples, and worked out my home care routine.

I know one sitting is too little, but these days I’m waiting for my feminine side to get in touch with me. But hey, nice sandals. Where did you get those from?