Here’s how the real stars are readying for World Cup

While the Aussies defend their right to push and shove, in preparation for grabbing the World Cup, our coach thinks up more games like kho-kho to keep some of our stars out

With barely 130 days before the World Cup here’s a bird’s eye view of the preparations.

As head of the Shoab Akhtar cricket-doping academy, Shoab had this to say. “Yes we train youngsters on the effective use of dope. Our dope trials have revealed that bowlers can bowl at 200 kmph after dope. Of course, line and length are important but we feel that speed is the key. Once they have achieved 200 kmph, we tell them to aim at the wickets. Our initial trials are successful. Some doped youngsters have been able to bounce the ball on the pitch at least twice. Watch this World Cup, this would be different!”

Rick Pointing: “This pushing has been blown out of all proportion because people know we are going to get the World Cup, just like the Ashes. Actually grabbing the Champions trophy is preparation for grabbing the trophy for the World Cup. We are dying to take possession of any trophy. Sharad Pawar took an extremely long time to give the trophy to us. As much as ten seconds! Shouldn’t the trophy have been given to us as we marched off the field, and couldn’t the presentation have been done later? Or ideally, before the match?”

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Dhoni: “Why am I being targeted? Are people jealous that I’m making so much money without scoring runs? Do they think I will miss out on a promising advertising career just because of cricket? My shampoo ad is rated as number one in the ICC advertising rating.”

Greg Chapel: “Okay, okay, I admit it! There was no other way I could remove Yuvraj. I knew Yuvraj was not among the runs. But so was the rest of the team. If I removed Yuvraj, the media would have asked why only Yuvraj. So I thought, let me organize kho-kho for the boys and I told Yuvi, ‘This is do or die. If you don’t win kho-kho, you are out of the team. The rest is history. Yuvi was injured while playing kho-kho. I will now organize other games to remove more players before the World Cup. I have the following in mind…kancha, kabbaddi, guli danda, pithoo”,

Sourav Ganguly: “People compare with me Arnold Schwarzenegger when I say, ‘I will be back,’ I know fans are fed up of me saying this. No, they do not want me to get back to cricket. My fans were impressed with the Hoo-Haa India ad. It has got a great response. They want a new ad featuring me for the World Cup. What about, ‘Hi! I’m Saurav, I may have missed out on the World Cup but I’m at home watching the World Cup, wearing the Indian blue. Every time an Indian hits a four I’ll be there to support, removing my T-shirt and swirling it across the room. I have 25 sweatshirts to throw. So keep it up. Haaa-Hoo India!”

Sehvag: “My preparation for the World Cup? After my marriage, people say I have slowed down. I keep nudging outside the off stump, and so I cannot move my feet. I never moved my feet while playing. In fact, that was my USP. In the World Cup, I plan not to move my feet and hands. If the ball comes my way it will be hit, but my hands will not move. Someone is suggesting I also close my eyes when I hit a shot. I think it is worth it.”