The worst thing about standing in for a column is the footnote. ``Jug Suraiya (or Shobha De or Pamela Philipose) is away on vacation and will resume the column when he/she returns.'' Yeah, right. And while they are out cavorting in Bali or the Bahamas, we, the guest columnists, are supposed to stand in for that week or fortnight offering our pearls of wisdom.I mean, have you noticed something about these footnotes? They don't even introduce us. How about: ``Our one-off columnist is a galley slave stationed in Washington whom we roused in the dead of night begging for a one-off column which he graciously consented to do for a small fee of $1,000?'' Neat, huh? But no. The footnote will only talk about the regular columnist and his vacation. Even if he has been mugged by a freelance contributor whose article he rejected. Worse, we are expected to labour under the same rubric. Like Second Impression. Or Straight Face. Man, I barely make a first impression. And the last time I kept a straight face was in 1967when we played ``Statue!'' as kids. It lasted eight seconds.Besides, if at all I had to stand in for anyone, why for some carousing columnist? How about Warren Buffett? Or Aamir Khan?In fact, here are the top 10 people I wouldn't mind standing in for:10. Ted Turner, 9. Zubin Mehta, 8. David Copperfield (the magician), 7. Pierce Brosnan, 6. Vishy Anand, 5. Tom Cruise, 4. Michael Jordan, 3. Bill Gates, 2. Bill Gates, 1. Bill Gates.And here are 10 people I WOULD NOT STAND IN FOR:10. O.J. Simpson, 9. Salman Rushdie, 8. Any Indian Cricketer, 7. Any Indian Politician, 6. Particularly Sitaram Kesri, 5. Bill Clinton, 4. Hillary Clinton, 3. Saddam Hussein, 2. Saddam Hussein, 1. Saddam HusseinActually, right now I don't even feel like standing in for myself. Tell me, have you ever been in a restaurant with a good looking memsahib only to be ambushed by that cretinous monster with the leery smile? You know who I'm talking about, the guy selling blood red roses. Well, they do it here in Washington all the time,particularly Valentine's Day week. I call it the Rose Grind.Don't get me wrong. The memsahib in question is a dear friend, but not even our fingers, much less our destiny, has intertwined. Yet when the leery monster zeroed in on our table with the single-mindedness of an Unscom inspector looking for Saddam's stockpile, panic gripped me. I shrivelled up like a dried walnut. Small drops of blood formed on my forehead. My brain turned to cauliflower. What should I do? Waving him away airily would be too rude. Buying her a rose would invest too much meaning in what definitely is not a relationship.Even as I struggled to master the situation, the leery monster headed resolutely to our table. In a vain bid to deflect the memsahib's attention, I began to relate the latest Monica Lewinsky joke, my voice sounding a trifle shrill. But the monster's precense was multiplied by the restaurant's mirrored walls. There was no escape. It's alright, Rudolfo, the memsahib butted in coolly, extricating my elbow from thesoup bowl, You don't have to buy me a rose. Phew. At that moment, I promised the woman eternal fealty.Actually, it doesn't take much to satisfy a woman. Here's how you do it: Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humor, placate, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle,elevate, enervate, alleviate, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence..Simple, hey?It's even simpler for women to satisfy men: Show up naked.And if you are one for words, then here are 15 little words to make women happy.I love you.You look great.Let's eat out.Can I help?It's my fault.Nyah, you wouldn't want me to tell you the three little words it takes to make men happy.(There's no footnote for obvious reasons.)
