‘I find myself unable to believe completely’

William Dalrymple, Writer and Historian.

What does spirituality mean to you?

I grew up in a hyper-religious Catholic family in Scotland. My brother, my uncle, my grand-uncle all were priests or wished to be. My parents were extremely conscious of their Catholicism both as a form of identity and a religious practice. And I was too, until I came to India. The pluralism I encountered here had me question the tradition I grew up into. But if you grew up in some form of orthodoxy, even if you distance yourself from it, it creeps up in another manifestation — and for me it is through my writings. I keep studying religion and my way of looking at spirituality has been to research it, looking at it intellectually rather than from a devotional point of view.

Do you believe you are guided and protected by a superior force?

Throughout my life, I have had amazing runs of luck, and I have always felt incredibly protected. But as soon as I try to intellectualize it, I find myself unable to take this further step that would imply full faith in a deity. In fact, I feel less sure today about the existence of a deity than I ever had before. In my childhood, I would interpret countless events and experiences as the work of some divine agency. I no longer do.

Do you believe you have a special mission or purpose in this life?

At the age of eighteen, I would have enthusiastically agreed. Today I wouldn’t subscribe to the idea of a special purpose. As a child, I wished to be an author and an archaeologist, and I ended up not too far, as an author and historian. But in fact, I have very few abilities — I am hopelessly bad in anything to do with maths, I have no head for business, so I am lucky that at least I can write, because otherwise what would have I become?

What is spirituality for you in your day to day life?

It is important for children to grow up in some religious environment, so we do have rituals at home. For instance, my wife Olive takes the children to Church every Sunday. And I occasionally join, though reluctantly, as I find myself less and less able to believe in any form of organized religion.

What has been the role of spirituality in your life as a writer?

It is my life as a writer! While intellectually I subscribe less and less to any religious system, I am more and more intrigued by people who can and I keep studying them and their traditions. In fact, the same questioning that wrecks my spiritual life is what keeps my intellectual life going, what makes me wake up in the morning and lose myself in my writing. The need to interpret religious life is definitely the central theme of my work.

What have been your main spiritual inspirations?

I went to a monastic school and there, I encountered a particularly holy and remarkable housemaster, a Benedictine monk, one of the wisest persons I have ever met. But his faith I cannot share. Later on, I became very attracted to Sufism. Today I am very intrigued by the utterly different world of Tantra and the whole reverse world it involves. Kali would actually be a demon in the eyes of Orthodox Christians, a murderess, living on cremating grounds and so on. On the overall, many of the people who move me and interest me most, whom I regard as wisest, are religious. I am often extremely moved in religious places, I play religious music all the time, more than secular music actually. Yet I find myself unable to completely believe, my intellect constantly intervenes, as if I was on the diving board yet never jumping. I cannot turn off my compulsion to question. It would mean suspending my critical faculties, which I am not prepared to do.

If you were to be reincarnated, what would you like to be reincarnated as?

I definitely do not believe in reincarnation, but otherwise it would be nice to be an enlightened lama and escape the wheel of rebirth!

What is your idea of happiness?

It is about all dimensions of life somehow coming into alignment and balance.