In every heaven

It freaks most people out to think that the tube-bomber perhaps figured he was going to “heaven” by killing himself and all the &#...

It freaks most people out to think that the tube-bomber perhaps figured he was going to “heaven” by killing himself and all the “infidels” around, even fellow-Muslims. Did he consider the unfair backlash on all the good people in that community out there? But unless Muslims themselves re-programme the ummah, who can help now?

As someone from a multi-faith family (one Muslim aunt, two Christian aunts, a cousin’s Jewish wife, a sibling brinking on Buddhism), here are my ratings on the various heavens on offer: in good spirit and only because we all need to lighten up.

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So, what about Jewish heaven? Yahweh’s too busy with the thunderbolts, scourges and fixing Cecil B. de Mille for upstaging him. Jewish heaven is probably chairing an inter-faith meet as a Rothschild with King Abdullah of Jordan and Prince Philip, exactly like Lynne Forrester de Rothschild’s husband (she’s planned a big India investment in frozen veg).

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Christian heaven? Sit on a cloud in a woolly white robe, twanging a harp in the Almighty’s ear? Embarrassingly twee. Guess the early Christian martyrs had no time to script that bit, they were too busy being eaten by lions and nobody’s worked on it since.

Now speak in mullah-proof whispers: Muslim heaven? But that’s men only, right? All those virgins, hovering around the green silk couches. What’s in it for women?

All right, let’s hit Hindu heaven. Hey, there’s a big party on and everyone seems invited, yeah, Jews, Muslims, Christians, everybody, no school ties necessary (Lynne’s invited, for sure). The Gandharva-Kinnara band’s playing, the apsaras are dancing, there’s nectar for special invitees. The catch is, you get to hang out only after your karma score is zero. So between births, you can just look in for a drink, watch ten minutes of Urvashi’s show while Chitragupt tots up, say hi to Shiva-Parvati on Kailash and wave at Vishnu on his waterbed.

Know anybody who’s come back with footage of any of these places? With so many scripts messed up, isn’t it time the One Real Author took a bow?