Long live the mute button

Still, three’s a crowd when each programme features at least two good singers on the night. Meanwhile, there are three times the number of performances so flat, you could walk the line on them

They are so hungry for success, they’re singing for their breakfast, lunch and supper. Many leave without fulfilling their ambitions because the competition is stiff and although they have the stomach for it, they don’t always possess the voices. Sometimes, ‘tis a blessing to be tone deaf. Other times, the singing is so mellifluous it makes your lower lip wobble — Asha Bhonsle’s measured 1on the Richter scale.

When the Voice(s) of India warble Sa Re Ga Ma Pa to become Indian Idol, all together, it is music to the ears. Too much music. Why Sony, Zee and now Star Plus must telecast these singing contests on the same evening (Friday) at the same time (9 pm-11 pm) is a mystery. First there is Indian Idol (poorest performances), then Star Plus has Voices of India competing with Zee’s Sa Re Ga Ma Pa. The new sound on the box is Voices, as Star ventures into territory so far occupied by Zee and Sony, looking for a conquest as its K stronghold is under siege.

The three shows have given us singers on song. Still, three’s a crowd when each programme features at least two good singers on the night. You’ve barely begun to appreciate one when it’s time to wah-wah the next. Meanwhile, there are three times the number of performances so flat, you could walk the line on them.

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And, more judges than good judgment. Increasingly, the competition is between them (the judges), mostly in the department of obnoxious behaviour. Undoubtedly the three most worthy contenders, here, are Anu Malik, Anu Malik and Anu Malik. Singlehandedly, he is ruining Sony’s Indian Idol. He thinks he is Simon Cowell. Cowell, a judge on American Idol (Star World), looks rather like a human Bart Simpson and believes the truth should hit contestants like a rude slap in the face — administered by him, of course.

Malik reins blows. He has not watched Cowell often enough to know brevity is the soul of wit — and the truth. He gives contestants not just a piece but the whole of his mind. He doesn’t allow first time judges like Alisha Chinai more than a few seconds and his tussles with veteran Javed Akhtar are childish and unbecoming of both, besides being fake. Malik moans in deep distress, strokes his head for relief. Why not try an antacid? Javed Akhtar had a far better strategy: he simply sits transfixed with a scowl. Still, the ‘bouts’ require better acting technique. Sure, some of the performances would have broken (!) the sound barrier but you don’t see us doubling over or clutching our hair.

Alisha is not sure whether she should play a copquettish Paula Abdul to macho Malik or be herself, Udit Narayan is quite dandy as Randy but Malik becomes caricature of himself. The producers evidently believe a clash of the titans improves the quality of the show and the singing. They’re wrong.

So far we have seen some good performances on Voices of India and judges who behave with decorum. However, it’s early days — as the competition warms up, expect maha temper tantrums, walk outs, the water works. The show has imported Sa Re Ga Ma’s old team but so far the magic is missing.

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Sa Re Ga Ma Pa retains the edge with a few heartrending and warming performances. It has an anchor who is Shaan in his younger days. The resemblance is uncanny and unnecessary. It also has Asha Bhonsle, who is worth all the rest put together and Himesh Reshamiyya (until recently). Malik and Resh: the Terrible Twins of TV.

The beautiful documentary Penguins: A Love Story (National Geographic) should be mandatory viewing for all judges — and everyone else. They know how to endure the most trying circumstances.