Long, lonely task

In the past, when a loved one died, neighbors stopped by with casseroles and nearby relatives were on hand to offer comfort and share memories. These days, families live across the country, not down the street, and individuals who experience a profound loss are often left to process their emotions on their own.
Adult children who live far away from home and lose a parent; spouses who have retired far from the community where they spent most of their married life together and become widowed; and elderly individuals who experience a loss and have no nearby support system—all can find themselves experiencing grief in a vacuum.
That isolation, says Karen Carney, a social worker and bereavement program director at the D’Esopo Resource Center in Connecticut, intensifies the pain and loneliness caused by the death. “When no one in your day-to-day life has a history with the person who has died, you have no way to share stories about the deceased and what they meant to your life,” said Carney. “When you are physically removed from the individual’s final resting place, you have no ‘sacred place’ where you can go to connect. Those situations leave people feeling very cut off.”
Parental death is one of the most common causes of bereavement in United States. Nearly 12 million adults, or 5 percent of the population, lose a parent each year. After heading home for the funeral, many return to their regular routines, where colleagues and acquaintances expect a quick return to normal. “Friends often want you to feel better and get back to being the person you were,” said Carney. “They don’t realise that that’s just not going to happen.”
Spending time with others who have experienced loss can assist the healing. If you have friends who lost parents, ask them what helped them cope and what got in the way. Check out local social service agencies, many of which offer support groups, workshops and education and community programmes dealing with grief and loss.
For some, developing rituals, ceremonies and spaces that honor the person who has died can help. Remember, memorials are not limited to graves. Plant a tree or a flower garden, create a special scrapbook or display a special memento. Sometimes the myriad of details following the death of a loved one can postpone the grieving process, lulling people into a sense of having coped with the loss and moved on. If you find yourself struggling with grief months or years after a death, you’re not alone and you’re not crazy, said Carney.
“People often spend that first year just trying to regain their balance,” said Carney. “It’s often the second year that they realise that they’re going to need help. Don’t feel embarrassed about reaching out, even if significant time has passed. Learning to adjust to loss is an ongoing lifelong process.”
_(By Korky Vann, LAT-WP)