The big, I mean the gargantuan, question that’s engaging the nation at the moment is not this one: When will USA start attacking Iraq? It’s not this one: What will Jaswant Singh roll back next? Or this one: What will Mandira Bedi not wear next? Or this one: What will all that digging in Ayodhya unearth? Or even this one: Who will win the next World Cup? No, the really big question haunting each one of us is: What do our cricketers say to each another when they go into their famous huddle? Here are some possible strands of conversation that I have gleaned, by sheer telepathy and the intelligent piecing together of eclectic bits of info: • Whose turn is it to get out for a duck next, yaar? • Arrey, yaar, Bhajji has his dirty shoes on again. • We really should take a bath, boys, the armpits are something dreadful. • Either that, or we should demand that BCCI comes up with a deodorant allowance. • Any new ideas about how to squeeze more money out of Dalmiya, yaar? • If we win the Cup and they make us ministers, who do you think should get the Home Ministry portfolio, yaar? • If we lose, who do we blame, yaar? • Okay, Parthiv, this can’t go on. The toilet training starts from tomorrow. • Always remember, yaar, the best way to save face is to invest it in a good endorsement. • Arrey yaar, I prefer volley-ball any day if you ask me. • Been on any safaris lately, Ajit? • Time to change Sidhu’s nappies, yaar, he’s such a wet. • To err is human but to really screw things up you need to be a cricket commentator. • Heard anything about the new dog food endorsement? You think they’ll have us, yaar? • Whose turn is it to buy the drinks this evening, yaar? • Never drink black coffee first thing in the morning. It causes acidity yaar. • Who gets the new Samsung contract? And the one for Pepsi? And one for Fiat Palio? And the one for Royal Stag? And for Kingfisher? • Don’t look now, but that’s Mandira smiling at us. • We’ve got to win the Cup, boys, or we will have to shell out all that tax, remember. • Heard this one? Why is Sherry like a midget at a urinal? Because he knows a good joke when he steals one. • How much do you think they have made from gate collections for this crowd, yaar? • Remember, guys, John Wright is always wrong. • Once this thing gets over, we’ll have to pay our own laundry bills, yaar. • That’s nothing. Once this thing gets over, we’ll have to buy our own breakfasts, yaar. • Ring-a-ring-of-roses sounds so much more fun. • My arm is hurting from signing all those autographs. Shouldn’t we be charging for them? • It’s not fair. Every other team in this World Cup has to cope with a handful of critics. We have to listen to one billion of them, yaar. • Which one of us d’you think Mandira fancies, yaar? • Ever tried mosquito-repellants on those pesky media guys, guys? • Heard this one? What’s an Australian bison? Something we’ll wash Ponting’s face in.
