For weeks I had wanted to know just who was responsible for advising George W. Bush on unleashing a monstrous war on Iraq. Whose vinegar-soaked brains had conceived this malevolent assault? At what point of time did the US decide to go ahead? Getting the full picture was tough. But sources in the Pentagon have just got back to me on some of the details. According to them, US President George W. Bush gets a routine daily briefing from advisors in a secret chamber located somewhere in the precincts of the National Zoo at 3000, Connecticut Avenue, Washington DC. Please note, though, that not all the wildlife present in the zoo are invited to these close-caged sessions — only the chosen few with the right temperaments. Here’s an honest account of how Operation Shock and Awe came to be launched. Bush: Hi, guys. Whaddya do next? Dick Crocodile (even after a quadruple bypass surgery, the man who is Bush’s Vice-President is still heartless): Snap, snap, snap, snap, snip. Crocodiles generally exist in large bodies of muck, often in secret locations underground. They are endowed with tiny brains but very impressive jaws. Some of them are sponsored by influential oil lobbies and use their jaws and powerful tails to thrash the opposition and further their promoters’ interests. Bush: I agree, Dicky. We need to secure our oil reserves in the Gulf. But which guy should we target for this? Donald Jackal (been in the jungles for years but has served in the cages of the Washington zoo in several high profile jobs. Currently Bush’s Secretary of Defence, his apocalyptic vision grows in tandem with his deteriorating eyesight): Hoooowwwwl! Hoowwwwwwwllll! Howwwwlllllll! Jackals are known to be aggressive members of the canine family, endowed with limitless energy and low cunning while in the pursuit of their quarry. Their thick hides help them tide through difficult moments of extreme public displeasure. Bush: What did ya say Donny? Saddam’s the bad guy, eh? But can we pass him off for Osama? Paul Wolf (loyal adjunct of the Jackal, speaks next. Known to have promoted the idea of attacking Saddam Hussein for 20 years, he now smells opportunity in the air): Ooowwwwooooo! Oooowwwwooo! Ooooowwwoooooo! Wolves are diurnal hunters and, like jackals, usually pursue their quarry in packs because they are not confident of their own abilities. Bush: So, Paul, I gather that you kinda agree with Donny that that guy Saddam’s our man, right? Okay, Leezza, any observations? Leezza Lizard (as the only female life form in the cage, she adapts herself well to local environs and has never let her predatory colleagues down. Her tongue now darts forth with consummate ease): Zip, zap, zip, zap, zip. Lizards are cold-blooded creatures who need heat to become active. They protrude their heads into the early sunlight to warm their blood and spend the heat of day in sheltered conditions, only to emerge later to sun themselves before TV cameras. Bush: Well said. Guys, she agrees with ya. Let’s roll. We’ll call the strike Operation Shock and Awe. The outcome is clear, victory is assured! Just then there was a great flapping of wings and a strange creature known in Washington circles as the Dove-Hawk — an amazing hybrid indeed — made its presence felt by dislodging an enormous payload of excreta on Bush. Bush: Hey, hey, watch it, Colin. Must you always go on and on about the UN and Resolution 1441? Look what you’ve done to my coat! Aw Shucks! The President had barely pronounced the words ‘Aw Shucks!’ and somebody down the line read it as a signal to launch operations. A string of B-52s took off for Baghdad with their deadly missiles and the world became witness to Operation Shock and Awe.
