Politics of climate change

It is generally believed that politicians have little time for, and even less understanding of, ecological issues. How might they respond if...

It is generally believed that politicians have little time for, and even less understanding of, ecological issues. How might they respond if asked about the greenhouse effect and global warming?

Laloo Yadav: Greenhouse effect? Did you know that a cow generates 64 litres of methane every day? Laloo knows this scientific fact, even though he is a simple rural man. And do you know how many cows there are in India? Twenty-eight crore. This means that Indian cows produce 50 lakh tonnes of methane every year! Add to this the gas produced by sheep, goats and my friends in the Samajwadi Party, and then tell me! But Laloo thinks positively. He sees cattle as a limitless energy asset. Now our researchers will develop richer gas-yielding varieties of fodder, and engineers will design eco-friendly gas-propelled bullock carts for export. To ensure global warming, eight crore blankets have been ordered to protect the poor in winter…

Bal Thakeray: Why ask me? Whatever I say, you will misquote me andwrite: `Balasaheb reveals communal colours.’ But I don’t care, I’m not afraid to speak my mind! Greenhouse effect? I’m all for it! (Holds up imperious hand) No, no, let me finish. I know it means providing free government housing to green activists and NGO riffraff, but at least it will shut them up and stop them from stalling projects. As for global warming, where are the biggest sources of hot air? Delhi! That’s where all the gasbags are, the media and bureaucracy and… er… the others as well. So why don’t you ask them instead?

Story continues below this ad

Arjun Singh: Our beloved Soniaji has taught us to see how all things on Earth, whether weather phenomena or ruling clans, are interrelated. Thanks to her we now recognize that India embraces in its geophysical and cultural diversity the rippling Roman Tiber as well as the Royal Bengal Tiger, the pure notes of Pavarotti as well as the rich aromas of tawa roti. (In mournful tone) Tragically, all this was threatened on December 6, 1992, when evil communal forces demolishedthe Babri Masjid. (Brightens visibly) But our Bahuraniji has already apologised to the nation for this shameful event. She will presently issue a global apology to cover various sins of emission leading to greenhouse effect, and sins of commission including Jain and Bofors. Soniaji’s healing touch will cool global warming! (Voice rising to hoarse yell) We will fight communal aandhis with secular Nehru-Gandhis, subdue climbing sea-levels with rising Priyanka waves…

I.K. Gujral (from Burkina Faso): To put it simply, we must first create an enabling environment wherein sustained and meaningful dialogue can help us conceptualize the synergistic pooling of expertise and appropriate technologies required to tackle such multilateral issues, as envisaged at Kyoto, Rio and Montreal (Strokes beard meditatively). Today, the world walks the razor’s edge between uncontrolled growth and controlled undergrowth. It is here that India can show the way, by choosing the path of consensus. Let us thereforeconsensually green this glorious nation. And let us bring comfort to all by equitable and sustainable spread of global warming, irrespective of class, caste or religion. I shall amplify on this theme during my next visit to India. Here I am reminded of an old saying (lapses into Urdu couplet too chaste to be translated)…

H.D. Deve Gowda: See, I don’t want to mention names or create any controversy. I am, after all, a nobody. But long before my so-called colleagues even heard of greenhouse effect, we humble farmers had understood the phenomenon. (Chuckles sardonically) Yes, we farmers know that pulses cause emissions. We have our fingers on the people’s pulse. And what is the people’s pulse but Janata Dal?! (Indignantly) But I am all for global warming. When the poorest of the poor are freezing every winter, how can we oppose it? Besides, do you know how it feels to wear a veshti in Moscow? Zzzzzzz…