Straight Face

ACT 1, SCENE 1 (Rajnath Singh’s residence at 4, Kalidas Marg, Lucknow)Kar Sewak Kalraj Mishra: Oh Ram, this Kalyan Singh is verily a thorn in our side. When wilt Thou deliver us from him who has the OBC votebank?

Kar Sewak Lalji Tandon: We must punish him, we must finish him. Like Musharrafbhai did to Sharif in Pakistan. He struck before he was struck off and we must do likewise.

Kar Sewak Mishra (his podgy face breaking into a smile): Well spoken, oh mitra, but who will accomplish that task? There are so many of us who could be chief ministers — although, in fairness, I am the first among equals, as they say.

Kar Sewak Tandon(quickly and sharply): That will be decided when the time comes — I too have my claims — but for the moment we need to strike.

Kar Sewak Rajnath Singh: Perhaps it is I who am called to perform this task of destiny and occupy the chief minister’s chair. But you are right, friends, it’s time to remind Vajpayeeji that he cannot fiddle while we burn.

ACT 1, SCENE 2 (The PM’s residence at 7, Race Course Road, Delhi)Vajpayeeji: Last night I dreamt a strange dream.

Advaniji (thinking to himself, now he wants me the PM in waiting to listen to his dreams): And what was it about Atalji?

Joshiji: I have historic evidence that the Aryans used to interpret dreams and psychoanalyse people much before that fraud, Freud….

(Both Vajpayeeji and Advaniji ignore him.)

Vajpayeeji: Ram came to me in my dream and told me that he was willing.

Joshiji (very excited): What, did the Lord speak to you? We must do a puja to commemorate this. I will declare it a nationalholiday for all schools and include this episode in our next round of textbook revisions.

Vajpayeeji (irritably): I was referring to my old friend from my Lucknow days, Ram Prakash Gupta. He is my choice to replace that rascal, Kalyan.

Advaniji: But the man has been in hibernation for decades. He’s so old!

Vajpayeeji (coldly): He is as old as we are, Krishnaji, may I remind you. As far as I am concerned, the new slogan for Ulta Pradesh is Jai Shri Ram.

ACT 1, SCENE 3 (Kalyan Singh’s residence at 5, Kalidas Marg, Lucknow)

Kalyan Singh (sobbing in the puja room): O Ram Lala, why have you not come to my aid? I promised you a magnificent temple at Ayodhya, and you told me you would take appropriate steps. Now where is your chamaktar?

(Enter Faithful Lackey who falls at his CM’s feet.)

Lackey: Kalyanji, any instructions?

Kalyan Singh: Ensure that these officials are transferred forthwith. Here’s the list — 45 DMs, 70 SPs, 60 DSPs….

Lackey(trembling): Sir-ji, this means you are really going?

Kalyan Singh: Bewakoof! Don’t ask silly questions. Yes, and appoint Kusum Rai chairperson of the State Women’s Commission with the rank of minister of state right now.

Lackey: But, sir-ji, madam not having requisite qualification.

Kalyan Singh (very angry): She’s a woman, isn’t she? What more qualification you need to run women’s commission?

ACT 1, SCENE 4 (Rajnath Singh’s residence)

Kar Sewak Mishra (dancing like Daler Mehndi): He’s going, he’s going. I’ve learnt that PM has cleared the file. (He rubs his hands in glee). Ek dhakka aur do, Kalyan Singh ko phaenko!

Kar Sewak Tandon (trying to keep in step): Kar sewa doesn’t just mean bhajans and kirtans, it can sometimes mean dismissals and appointments!

Kar Sewak Rajnath Singh: Stop fooling around you both. Yes, it’s true he’s going. But none of us is coming either.

Mishra and Tandon (together in shock): What? Who’s going to be CMthen?

Rajnath Singh (grimly sarcastic): Only Ram knows! Ram Prakash Gupta, to be precise. He gets the job after we do all the hard work.

(A shocked silence descends on the trio.)

(This drama is incomplete because the action in Ulta Pradesh has only just begun. Watch this space for further developments.)