Tame Bollywood and other show time

Where do hundreds of kilos of human flesh (maybe even a couple of thousand), hang out with 60-odd skeletons and tonnes of hair to make the u...

Where do hundreds of kilos of human flesh (maybe even a couple of thousand), hang out with 60-odd skeletons and tonnes of hair to make the ultimate fashion statement? At Wednesday’s Miss Universe 2004 (Star World), of course. Hair cascading like Niagara Falls, skeletons clothed in skin tanned like a hide and toned better than milk and enough lovely flesh to turn you into a rampaging cannibal. Honestly. Hasn’t the time come for women to display more brains and less body—and see who wins? Then, maybe our Tanushree Dutta? For a certainty it would not have been finalist Miss Trinidad who, when asked to name the biggest failure in her life so far, replied it had been to hit her head on something during her first fashion show. Wish it had knocked some sense into her. Sorry—couldn’t resist.

Let the contestants be judged when they’re wearing proper clothes—it’s not like they spend the rest of their time in bikinis, ball gowns or their country’s national dress. So let’s see what they look like in real life and then crown them, instead of dressing them up and down like Barbie dolls. And, if they can stop smiling, we might have a genuine competition on our hands.

On the Apsara Awards (NDTV), everyone was adequately clothed and conducted themselves with becoming dignity. For a salute to the Hindi film and TV industry, far too dignified. You couldn’t find the razzle-dazzle, glitz and glam of Bollywood anywhere amongst the sober ladies and gents. And with an absent Amitabh Bachchan, what did you expect but a few stars gently yawning under the cover of darkness? Imagine how propah the proceedings were when Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin in her trademark salwar-kameez was the most outrageous offering of the evening. MC Farooque Shaikh utilised the opportunity to edify us with his opinion of the industry—which was not very edifying at all. As for the dance performances, why, Farah Khan couldn’t you spare them the time?

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Mad TV on Zee English is much more like it. Although dated, the skits and take-offs on TV commercials, current affairs and popular culture are outlandish. MTV, Fox News, Oprah Winfrey, the Nescafe commercial, O J Simpson, McDonalds were just some of the targets the weirdo cast take aim at. And bingo! For real Mad fans, there’s the Spy vs Spy segment. So go on you closet maniacs, here’s something to ‘out’ for.

Speaking of Oprah Winfrey (Star World), it’s quite amazing how the lady who has come to epitomise good taste and right values wallows in the seamy deep end of human behaviour. The other day, she delved into the tragic and very sordid tale of a young woman who had been confined to a basement and repeatedly raped by her father. This poor, fat, no obese, lady sat before a gym-trim Oprah who crossed her legs like Miss Prim and Proper and asked for more details. Larry King (CNN), in his striped braces, full-sleeve shirts and bow tie, has a similar weakness for grizly murderers. What is it with them—or is this what the American public wants their top talk shows to talk about?

And is this what we want of our news channels? Priyanka, Robert and Rahul go to see a film—a Shah Rukh Khan film yes, but still a film—and the Aaj Tak anchor goes live to the venue for an immediate update. Or, channels like CNBC and NDTV track P Chidambaram all the way to the bathroom and back during his trip to Mumbai? Is this news?

So now we know: love is not an everlasting affair. And so it came to pass that television’s most passionate and pulsating couple are gone. Or going. Pammi’s Dev (Des Mein Nikkla Hoga Chand, Star Plus) is sworded and expires before he can die in her arms; she swoons and falls beside him. No more deep breathing bosom exercises for Pammi, no more flared nostrils pinching Dev’s nose. No more vaseline love looks. Hanky, come here and wipe our eyes.