Team India: Why don’t we send our MPs in

Our honourable Members of Parliament have displayed a keenness for cricket that is exceptional...

Our honourable Members of Parliament have displayed a keenness for cricket that is exceptional and needs to be rewarded. Despite their preoccupation with weighty matters of state, they still found the time to cogitate, agitate, and fulminate on the fortunes of our Men in Blue. They have a point. Let us sack each and every one of them and reconstitute a whole new Team India. In the best traditions of a country where everyone is a cricket selector par excellence, I have therefore come up with my own preferred Team India – comprising five class batsmen, five class bowlers, a wicket keeper and a 12th man.

Openers: Pity Navjot Sidhu’s wicket has fallen prematurely – like that famed cycle at Rajendra Talkies, Patiala. He would have been the perfect opener for my team. Given his inability to bat, I will sadly have to choose P. Chidambaram for that onerous responsibility. Given his skill at dazzling the nation with numbers, one can only hope he does better than Sehwag and notches up good returns to keep the stock markets, sorry the run-rate, soaring.

My second opener is a difficult choice to make. There are many candidates for this slot but I believe we should go with proven talent. So I would send in George Fernandes because he has displayed fiery grit in the face of great odds. We just need to whisper the words “coffin scam” into his ears before he sets out to play, and he is guaranteed to set the pitch on fire, as he has the hallowed precincts of Parliament.

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Third batsman: Brinda Karat, because I — like her—believe in 33 per cent reservations for women. She may have a tendency — somewhat misplaced perhaps — to bat for Sourav Ganguly, but watch her in full flow on the pernicious practices of the Sangh Parivar and you will not regret her inclusion.

Fourth batsman: Shivraj Patil. Go ahead, scoff at my choice, but I have observed this man carefully. He gets into all kinds of difficulties – and takes the nation with him into them. But he never gets out. Never. Despite dire predictions of his imminent departure. We need just such a batsman to anchor the team.

Fifth batsman: Priyaranjan Dasmunshi. As long as he remembers he is playing cricket, not football, he should do okay. He too has weathered many an innings and is quick on his feet.

Spinner No 1: Traditionally, Team India is known for its spin attack. Fortunately we have several of them in both Houses of Parliament. Lalu Prasad Yadav, as the presiding deity of the Bihar Cricket Association, may have been bowled out by Nitish Kumar a year ago, but he still can spin the hind legs off a donkey, mark my words.

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Spinner No 2: Jaswant Singh. No one will disagree. Here is a man noted for his ability to bamboozle his way out of any situation by the sheer quality of his spinning. And, what’s more, he does it with style.

Medium pacers: Sushma Swaraj has exhibited an ability to deliver the line specified by Nagpur, and I have no doubt that she will be able to bowl with good line and length. The other person skilled in line-maro-ing is none other than Renuka Chowdhury. Remember her line ‘One is Fun’? She is guaranteed to turn in a fairly dependable performance, especially before TV cameras.

Fast bowler: Mani Shankar Aiyar, known to strike a blazing trail when in full form, can be depended upon to bowl a mean bouncer. Just make sure you deprive him of a ministerial portfolio before you send him in.

Wicket-keeper: Somnath Chatterjee is already doing a lot of this in Parliament anyway, so he is the natural choice.

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Twelfth man: Rahul Gandhi, of course. The man being projected by his party as one whom India is constantly waiting for.

Now, many of you may differ with my choices, and that’s your right as vote-weilding members of the Indian Republic.