Terrorists ko maro goli!

I have never been so proud of my fellow Delhiites as I was when the Delhi Police said terrorists have surfaced in the innards of Ansal Plaza...

I have never been so proud of my fellow Delhiites as I was when the Delhi Police said terrorists have surfaced in the innards of Ansal Plaza last Sunday. They displayed such exemplary will, such intrepid pluck, such indomitable doughtiness in the line of fire, that I flounder for words to describe their raw courage. I am certain no other urban resident, be they Mumbaikars, Kolkatans, Chennaites or Bangaloreans, would have done what Delhiites did when faced with clear and present danger.

Did they cringe, wondering whether a bullet would find the soft parts of their anatomy? Not one moment. Did they panic and howl like a pack of jackals? Not at all. Did they flee the scene of gunshots? Of course not. Did they look around for security or hide behind pillars? Don’t be silly! They just continued with what they are known to do best — single-mindedly shovel in shopping into extra-large plastic bags.

Now this could be for one of two reasons. Either we Delhiites are the world’s most courageous people with nerves of steel and spines of adamantine, capable of taking on Osama bin Laden himself. Or we are the world’s greatest representative of the shop-until-we-drop (of a bullet in the solar plexus) tribe. I suspect, the latter is the case since the natural habitat of the Homo Delhitus is the precinct of a large shopping complex.

We live by certain simple principles in life:

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Principle No 1: Whatever, Mr and Mrs Mehta have, we must have two of, and preferably at half the price they paid.

Principle No 2: If you wave a ‘two for the price of one banner before us, we are prepared to crawl on all fours all the way to Ougadougou and don’t even talk of ‘three for the price of one’ offers if you don’t want to face a buffalo stampede.

Principle No 3: All bargains are great especially those of stuff that you will never ever have use for.

Principle No 4: You can generally find everything in a shopping mall during festival days except your children — but they always come back to you because of some interfering uncle who insists on locating the public address system and demanding to know who Pappu ka papa is.

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No other urban resident would have done what Delhiites did when faced with clear and present danger: shovel in shopping into plastic bags

Principle No 5: Remember, after the money runs out there’s always the credit card which is based on the other oft enunciated belief that since money can’t buy happiness we have credit cards.

It’s probably because they know these little weaknesses of ours that the police picked Ansal Plaza for their Diwali fireworks last Sunday. Now Ansal Plaza, by way of an introduction to the uninitiated, is a vast black hole in the southern section of town, which sucks in shoppers by the trillions. So potent is its appeal that if you happen to be standing anywhere in its vicinity, smelling the flowers or looking up at the sky, its giant vacuum cleaners will be sure to get you inside its hulking portals in no time at all and you’ll find yourself panting, just like the next person, for your 16th pair of sneakers. No, but seriously, people have been known to enter this Circean continent one fine afternoon to get some pins and emerge a decade later with enough stuff to furnish a goodly sized town.

So when people ask me how come nobody in Ansal Plaza that fateful Sunday seemed too bothered about terror unfolding in the basement, all I can say is that when Pappu ki mummy is intent on getting her twelfth ‘suit’, at a counter that has emblazoned on it the magic sign, ‘Three for the price of one’, nothing, but nothing, can deter her from the task at hand. Terrorists ko maro goli.

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