Hey, ye cricket couchers: while watching the World Cup, don’t raise that finger (sorry, hand), exchange bats (sorry blows), rub those balls (sorry eyes), ball those fists, smash your TV set, cut your cable connection, run out of the house or drive others away. if the Indian team floors its chances on the seaming pitches of South Africa. Above all, don’t clutch your chest, screaming, ‘‘All Out!’’. A helpful soul might switch on the mosquito repellent and leave you to your heart attack. It’s only a game, not Saddam Hussein. Besides, help is near. According to Aaj Tak ka Panditji, the gods are taking a keen interest in India’s Cup fortunes and ‘fixing’ things accordingly. Therefore, Virendra Sehwag’s ‘‘kundali’’ is A1 teem-taam and Saurav Ganguly ‘‘ka apna takat hai’’ (like he’s a tonic or sumo wrestler?). Under the influence of their celestial pairing, the rest of the team will run into form. So tell me, Aaj Tak ka Panditji, will India win the World Cup on the sheer strength of our cricketing star power? Panditji rubbed his. brains. ‘‘We will make it,’’ he scratched about, ‘‘to the Super Six’’ stage. And there’s Kapil saying, Dil Se, that India is the ‘‘most unpredictable team’’ in the tourney (Max) Hrrrrmmph. But hey, hallo, wait on: what if we rename the game Kkricket (like Kkusum)? Will K2+ numerology achieve what cricketing talent, the prayers, songs, advertisements of a nation - and Sehwag’s kundali - cannot? Why not give it a shot? (Poor pun). Ganguly said he felt the absence of an all-rounder (Kapil Dil Se). He should have touched Tellytown. Here, actors plays multiple roles, sometimes at the same time. So, the man who loves Pammi (Des Mein Nikkla Hoga Chand, Star Plus) is the one who loves Dr.Simran (Astitva, Zee) at 9 p.m. on Mondays. And all that separates Mr.Bajaj of Kasauti Zindagi Kay from Mihir of Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thhi, is a two-hour time difference. That and hair: as Mr.Bajaj, actor Ronit Roy uses shaving cream in his hair; as Mihir, a brown dye. Kasauti’s. Prerna is understandably confused. Mr.Bajaj, she scolds, the reason you want to take me away to Australia is to prevent my meeting Onurag and the Basus. Wrong, stoopid: it’s because as Mihir he’s there to meet Tulsi! Onto Femina Miss India (Sony). The show crawled from Friday into Saturday ever so slowly, we fell asleep before the crowning moment. Still, noticed several new features. On the girls. Each had a number attached to her hip like a price tag. None appeared in her birthday suit hidden by swimwear. Instead, of dressing downs (sorry, evening gowns), each wore a ghaghra or lehenga with work-out bras - like they’d just appeared in a rap version of Arabian Nights. And they all wore the same smile as though the organisers had xeroxed 26 copies and pasted them on to each one’s lips for the duration of the show. They stood so perfectly still that had you crept up and shouted, ‘‘Statue!’’ they would not have shaken, stirred or moved. Marvellous composure. Lastly, came the moment to speak. Even here, it was the sameness which was more remarkable than the differences. In the quick takes of TV it is very difficult to tell a Shweta from a Shonali when they’re made to look and sound alike. Whereas each said something different, the delivery and the sentiment were similar. Also, you sensed that each one had memorised, rehearsed set answers and instantly adapted them to the judge’s questions. Asked about destiny, Nupur declaimed: ‘‘Our destiny was in our own hands’’; asked about the difference between religion and morality, Parmita declared religion is man created ‘‘and I don’t believe in it’’. Purabhi said that if she was reborn, she would like to be Arundhati Roy because she won the Booker, etcetra. The same answer would have held for ‘‘the person you admire most’’. And when Yash Chopra asked his contestant, ‘‘What was your most moving experience?’’, she replied, piously, ‘‘When a child came up to me and said, ‘Be Yourself’’’.Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. E-mail the Author
