As of today, I've decided to keep a journal by which I mean, not merely a place where I jot down my thoughts and opinions, but rather, a much needed sanctuary where I can spend a few quiet moments with myself.I am tired of drifting aimlessly from day to day, tired of being the person that I am now - a sort of ``all knowing yet a nowhere girl,'' who hasn't a point of view and knows not where she is going. A set of notions about everything has always existed within me. But I had arrested them.Today, I have started stretching my thoughts a bit farther than earlier. I realised that clinging on to some of my views would do me good, but getting rid of a few would actually be better.I thought I knew myself. Yet today, I go through radical alterations of opinions when my grey cells work within someone else's thought process, I manage to come to terms with myself. I realised that a person's thoughts can be compared to the onset and departure of different seasons. Sometimes my thoughts grow, making me feel wiser. Sometimes they shrink and squeeze, making me silly and narrow-minded and sometimes they wither away as time lapses.And in the midst of these pages, I'll try to work out the puzzle - that is Me.Though I am still uncertain about what is best for me, I'm positive that I want to be free, unfettered by irksome restraints and responsibilities - free to savour all the existing flavours of life, free to know the world, free to live the way I choose to. And I am sure that I will never opt for the claustrophobic existence people around me are leading and (horror of horrors) seem perfectly satisfied with (or even if they are not, they do nothing to break free). A medley of vague desires, incoherent dreams and fragile fantasies float around my mind. I have my doubts about sorting out the mess, but I know I will.Now I am facing a dilemma - whether to live selfishly and without love - doing what I want, not bothering about others' expectations or living selflessly for the loved one. Though I hold two choices, I have invariably opted for selfless love. Because the concept of ``I live for myself'' will, no doubt, usher in what I want, but it's NO BIG DEAL. However, living for my dear ones will make me feel complete.I won't change the world.I won't change for the world.This kind of living does not apply to me anymore. If a bit of change could make my life evergreen, then why not?But then, what happens to my liberty, my views, my choice of living? Are they being robbed in the process?Problem arising again! I don't understand, why do my thoughts wage a war? Which one of these could at least guarantee a life of Utopia is highly debatable!
