Breathtakingly Difficult

Let me share a little secret with you something that you will never find in any modern books on etiquette.

Let me share a little secret with you something that you will never find in any modern books on etiquette. But if you overlook this piece of advice you are sure to lose friends and make enemies. If someone offers you a breath freshener,take it! Never ever turn down the offer. In fact,take it twice. But no is not an option. The reason it is being offered is because your mouth stinks and the person next to you has grown tired of holding his or her breath.

During Fashion Week,all of us in the business have an unspoken policy of packing boxes of sugar-free chewing gum. As we settle down for a show,you can hear the rattle of gum as it is passed around to everyone in the media section. Being pros at the dynamics of sitting up close and personal with colleagues who have spent the entire day watching shows,nibbling on snacks and swilling wine we know that the first casualty is the breath. If you make the mistake of saying no,most of us either change our seats or studiously talk to the person next to us who is biting down on a spearmint stick.

Most of the world isnt as sensitive to this matter most foul. People will keep talking at you immune to the fact that the person they are addressing has voluntarily taken their last breath to get out of the hell of your halitosis. This blind spot in personal hygiene is a weird Indian flaw. We are otherwise the cleanest people in the world. We bathe twice a day,powder liberally,comb copiously and store the tools in our back pockets. Heck,we even rearrange our private parts in public. We are so concerned about our bodies. And yet,we conveniently cannot smell our lapse in oral health. What makes this even odder is that the most common reason for halitosis is bacteria on the tongue. In India,we have the coolest looking tongue cleaners. Sure they are prehistoric in appearance but every home has one. And in spite of repeated use it lasts a lifetime.

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The fault here lies in our eating habits. We love our onions and garlic and we prefer them raw. So come lunch time,most of us fill our stomachs and come back with stinking mouths. And while we wash our hands and rinse our mouths in plain view,we dont accept the fact that the damage has been done. We never brush after lunch. Or use mouthwash post a meal. Its not as if we dont have all the visual cues for it though. From the beginning of time,or at least advertising the guy,only got near a girl if he had minty fresh breath. Their circle of love was complete only once a breath test had been passed. More recently,you can catch models rinsing endlessly with mouthwash because they arent sure how long the effects will last.

And still we continue down the road of bad breath. Go to a social gathering the drink of choice these days is wine. Everyone is an expert and has the perfect bottle in a vintage year in their cellars. But what they have absolutely chosen to ignore is the fact that nothing,absolutely nothing can cure the rancid smell of wine breath. No amount of preparation can disguise the fact that after drinking wine red or white your breath stinks. But since we are busy aping our more sophisticated European counterparts,we dont care that we are breathing noxious fumes into the air and no one wants to talk to us.

What always amazes me is that we will say excuse me when we sneeze. We will remember to cough into our hands well,post the swine flu we have become quite good at this. But. Breathing your lunch onto someones face is considered acceptable. You know why? Because we cant smell our own breath. Thats the last fact I am going to leave you with. Even if you exhale into your hands,you wont be able to smell just how much of a sewer your mouth has become. So the next time you are offered gum,say yes. Do go out and buy some,too. Who knows,even if you arent a repeat offender,chances are you are about to bump into one.

tothemannerborn@expressindia.com