Do you deserve a good maid?

Let me tell you about my incredible Mangalji. This fantabulous 30-something came to me five years ago with zero experience. Since I am a fan of flat abs and good looks,I decided we had to work together. We had a few ground rules. I hired her as my executive assistant with timings from 9.15 am to 6.15 pm. At a salary that matched my office staff. She had to use initiative and run my life. Since most of my time is spent away from my apartment,she also had to keep accounts and ensure that maintenance was her responsibility. Today,she changes my toothbrush (every three months),and ensures my fridge has my brand of organic bread,hummus and chips. Plus,she has mastered my cupboard. Since I colour code my clothes and have a complicated system of what goes where based on lineage,it is no small achievement.

But before I get ahead of myself,I have to share with you her single criterion for working with me. It wasn’t the money or the hours. Mangalji’s only request was that after she was told what to do,she would do it – her way. If she screwed up,I could get mad but till then,she was allowed to plan her day the way she wanted. Today,she buys my upholstery,files my papers and takes care of my schedule. If I forget anything,all I have to do is call her and mumble something,and she pre-empts what I need. My life is perfect. Because we both have stuck to our rules of engagement.

Every friend I meet asks for a Mangalji clone. At which point,I ask: How much would you pay her? What are the terms and conditions of employment? The figures are so low,I am compelled to use the cliché that if you pay peanuts,you will get monkeys. Also,what do you say when you hear time and again the phrase,“Get me a maid.” Can you call someone a servant and expect them to work to maximum capacity or loyalty? The problem is that most young women think they need to nag their “maids” into submission. Is it polite to follow them around the house,checking on their sweeping skills,their ability to wash glasses without breaking them and yes,my favourite,the old-fashioned task of dusting till an Army major would approve? Can you imagine doing your job with someone watching over your shoulder,complaining every inch of the way? Hell,I would quit on Day One after succumbing to a Dexter-like episode.

So,how does the average Indian woman prevent her maid from turning into a serial killer or the more benign alternative,serial quitter? Could the solution be a shift from modern-day rules of classist etiquette to a more laissez faire attitude? It’s easily doable. Decide if you want to sweep the floors for free or pay good money for the same core-strengthening exercises at your Pilates class. Choose if you want to make dal chawal to no appreciation or rustle up a great souffle and be touted as a master chef. Figure out if changing diapers is your thing or do you want to be a yummy mummy with glorious achievements. The trade-off is simple. Bask in someone else’s glory. All you have to do is treat the person who does all of this for you nicely.

Or be like me. I have zero skills but have the talent of knowing who to be nice to. In this case,my smile is not just polite,it’s plain desperate. Without Mangalji,I can’t find my little black dress or my house keys.

tothemannerborn@expressindia.com