I Hate Luv Stories

Who has the time for love? Not Bollywood,which has been putting out all manner of luv stories for the past few weeks. This luv is quite a thing,a compendium of smart comments and short-attention-spanned moments designed to create temporary sensation. Example: pretty teenage girl being counselled by her best friend that the back seat of a car is not the ideal place to lose it. It? Don’t be daft.

Not that the leading lady in Luv Ka The End,a pretty miss with the hots for the slickest stud in her vicinity,is about to listen. Sage advice from good-natured friends with weight issues is only to be ignored,but not before we get the import of the statement: Indian teenagers are now happy to do,openly,what American teenagers did in the ’60s and ’70s in the backseats of their monstrous long-finned Cadillacs. And that necking and holding hands and other such wimpy activities have been replaced by,haw,more strenuous stuff involving the removal of flimsy apparel and the putting on of protective devices. Haan,ab yahi pyaar hai.

Among other significant markers we get from Luv Ka The End is that leading men can now be called Luv. In all seriousness. Minus all irony. Used to be that people who named their offspring Luv would usually have a twin called Kush. Now El Ewwuu Vee appears to have become a perfectly acceptable stand-alone moniker,perfectly fitting for a flick that seems to have very few fleshed-out thoughts other than How To Lose It In Ten Easy Steps.

In the film,made by a newly formed youth division of Yashraj Films,Luv’s father is an old-style shrewd businessman who froths at the thought of maxed out credit cards. In the spirit of the movie,aimed straight at the kind of young who think of notching up luxury convertibles and fresh virgin scalps as the same thing,the stud’s dad should have been the one who led by example,roaring about in a fleet of expensive cars,and switching mistresses at the same rate.

But films like these are not geared towards logic,or towards what seems right: they are being manufactured as how-to primers for their target audience. It’s called pandering,and regardless of how the films do (this edition of luv saw its end rapidly at the box office),there will be more of them,because if you ignore the youth,a demographic that’s set to take over from the silvers in the next few years,more fool you. By using truncated words,more appropriate to hasty text messaging,studios seem convinced that they are connecting with this segment,with its endless supply of plastic,free time,and a willingness to plonk both down on a multiplex seat.

I’m not saying that the person who uses “luv u” is any less or more worthy than those who say “love you”. But the linguistically challenged phrase,and the idea behind it,is making movies more like gaming than,well,movies. The kind of movies you can catch on your made-for-gaming mobile devices,while you are in between two,or more,things. You have no time to sit and stare? No problem,we’ll give you movies where you can pause,whip out your high-end touch-phone,and respond with a “c-ing gr8 muvi” to a message: “wat u doin?”

Last week’s Kucch Luv Jaisa,a muddled day-long interlude between two strangers,is not strictly directed at young adults,but it has a sequence which is jaw-dropping. As yummy mummy adjusts her strapless blouse in bathroom mirror,tween daughter walks in chatting on the phone,pauses,snaps cell shut. Mommy: you don’t have to do that,you can tell me everything. Daughter mumbles a smiling platitude. Mommy: have you had sex? Daughter: mommy,nooooo. This girl is meant to be twelve,or thirteen,or thereabouts. This is a conversation? Between responsible mother and young daughter too young,presumably,to be romping? What would mommy have said if daughter had said yes? Oh i hpe u usin cndms? Aaargh.

Coming soon to a theatre near you is Love Express. It’s not called “Luv Xpress”,but it does have two young couples,trying to get together. Will it do the trick? Or will it be instantly exchangeable with an emoticon?

Wl tel u l8r. n

shubhra.gupta @expressindia.com