Why men and women are still not equal in India. A column on the misadventures of modern Indian manners almost writes itself. Everything we do,when it comes under the scanner,is worthy of a potshot. Or two. And while there are haters (and a few fans,I hope),the fact that the attacks are tongue-in-cheek,and slightly humorous,I have always presumed,rendered the articles less offensive. But last fortnight,when I opened the newspapers I lost my ability to laugh,let alone smile. Not that it mattered. You see,as a woman in this country,I am irrelevant. And while it appears we have made huge strides towards emancipation,the truth is,we are still being diminished every step of the way. That realisation managed to take the charm out of my day. The funny thing is,what sparked it off was a rather innocuous item about a Bombay High Court ruling that stated that adult children need the permission of their parents to stay in their parents home. Quoting the judgement,the newspaper reported,It is the responsibility of parents to take care of their minor children,but after the children have attained majority,they do not get legal rights to reside in the personal property of their parents. They can live in the house of the parents only with the consent of their parents and not otherwise. The article went on to add that the court also observed that in the case of daughters,when they get married,they become part of the husbands family. When a daughter gets married and leaves the house of the father to reside with her husband,she ceases to be a member of the fathers family and becomes a member of the family of the husband where she has got certain rights under the law. After marriage,when she goes to the house of the parents,legally she is only a guest in the house and does not have a legal right to continue there. She can stay there as long as her parents permit her but she cannot force herself on her parents in the house. While I couldnt agree more with the court,what made me sad was the line that daughters are no longer considered a part of their own family when they get married. It got me thinking about our identity. We start our lives as our parents daughters and end up as our husbands wives. When are we ourselves? And why are we expected to change our identity half way through our lives,right about the time we start getting comfortable with who we are? A man is never asked to make the same adjustments. Even today we have outdated customs like changing a girls name after marriage to signify new ownership,even in liberal communities like the Sindhis. Somehow,seeing in writing that I am legally not a part of what I consider my home and my family really hurt me. We grow up treating our parents home as our own. From childhood till we become women,this is our sanctuary. Even when we move out,home is with your family. Your first family. The place where you received unconditional love. Your husbands family home is never your own. Because you are never allowed to feel that way. Ask any woman. The only time you get an alternate sense of home is when you create a new space with your own family. But even then chances are the property will be in the husbands name. Thats just the way it is and no one questions that. Perhaps that is what is really rankling. Crimes against women are just not considered crimes. We dont have equal rights. We dont have access to our childhood homes. It seems it is okay to be less than respectful to a greater part of our population. So what if it comprises our mothers,sisters,wives and daughters. I am so taken aback at this inherent rudeness that I am at a loss for words. Every day we are put down without an apology. Or acknowledgment. And the solution is so simple. Apply the laws of etiquette equally. To men and women alike. Its neither impossible nor incorrect. tothemannerborn@expressindia.com Nonita Kalra is Editor-In-Chief,ELLE
