Spot the tourist

The Israelis: A few years ago they were seen in plenty,but are becoming rarer to spot now. They travel in packs of 50 bikes or more and prefer living in a commune so you will find most of them renting a single house. Warning: each of them has just finished two years of compulsory military training. Do not argue,irritate or agitate them in any way. Their hands are lethal weapons.

The Long-Legged Russians: Beaches north of Morjim are seeing a new rash of this exotic variety. They have 12 inches more leg than normal women do and about six inches less waist. Unfortunately,the male of the species is the standard middle-class man,if a little bit more pot-bellied than most.

The Fish’n Chipper: Concentrated in great densities around Calangute and Baga. Mostly found on beach beds sunning themselves a bright red. They take a break to drink vast amounts of beer and ingest fish and chips. All food and beverage is included in the round trip charter fare. When the sun sets,this species retires to Karaoke bars to sing Cliff Richard songs off-key.

The Underwear Uncles: Our own indigenous species. Largely middle class and pot-bellied. They are seized by an urge to leap into the sea on arriving at the beach. They never possess appropriate swimwear,so strip to chaddis and jump in. Unfortunately,regular cotton chaddis expand in seawater,leaving this species at their unattractive best.

The Returning Hippie: This faithful species has been migrating for the last 50 years. They arrive in flocks way before season. They are past 50 now,but still sport flowers,feathers and the occasional dreadlocks. They are seen mostly at Curlies and German Bakery in Anjuna. They tend to be covered in fading tattoos and carry their personal chillums in embroidered leather cases.

The South Bombay Set: Found mainly at expensive spots like La Plage,Lila Café and Le Restaurant. Let out excited cries on spotting each other and make little kissing noises. Exquisitely dressed in special beach wardrobes. Possess unique ability to spend entire day on beach and not get sand on their bodies,or have a single hair out of place.

The Sun Burner: The latest music festival in town has drawn large crowds of this species. They can be recognised by their extreme youth and very loud mating calls. These calls are designed to be heard over the sound of thumping electronica music. Amazing stamina allows both the male and female of this species to dance three days in a row,survive decibel levels that would shake teeth loose,and still continue scanning the crowd for prospective mates.

The Day Tripper: They are found on the most crowded beaches and have necks that can swivel 360 degrees in search of naked tourists. When they spot anything female in any sort of beach wear,they persistently cry out,“Take photo please madam?” . They migrate here in large flocks on broken down transport. For the grand sum of Rs 100,they get a bus ride to Goa,one beer to drink and a day on the beaches before they are trucked back again.

The New Ager: Species dresses only in linen and natural fibres. It smokes only organic hallucogenic substances and attends “organic” raves where the music (among other things) is home- brewed. Stays in boutique resorts and signs up for herbal colonic irrigation and detoxification. It is found mostly searching for good homemade tofu and nirvana.

The Happy New Year Indian Louts: Arrive in droves by sleeper class train. Hire bikes and drive around Baga and Calangute,beer in hand,shouting loud raucous remarks at women. Try to hit on any white woman who happens to pass by. Make life miserable for all other species trying to have a reasonably decent holiday.

The Big Ticket: Spotted more and more often these days. Causes turning of heads,sudden excitement,and small gaggles of gawking Indian tourists. Occasions headlines like “SRK and gang party at lounge bar” “Mr. B and Jaya have dinner at Thalassa” “Akshay Kumar spotted at Lila”. It’s getting so that you can’t throw a chorizo without hitting a star. But that’s material for another guide altogether.
beachside@expressindia.com