What about parents’ rights?

Following the killing of a Kargil widow -- allegedly at the behest of herfather-in-law -- and cases of young widows walking out on aged in...

Following the killing of a Kargil widow — allegedly at the behest of herfather-in-law — and cases of young widows walking out on aged in-laws, therewas a proposal that the compensation amount given by the Army should besplit between the parents and the widow of the soldier who dies in action.The Army has, however, refused to accept such a change in its rules. One senior Army official even sermonised: “There is no question of changing the rules. Treat your daughter-in-law like your daughter and she will never even think of leaving you.”

It is true that many widows get treated shabbily. But the legitimate claims of the parents should not be trampled upon either. Many of those who die in battle are young soldiers in their early 20s. In many instances, their widows do get re-married. By putting the entire amount of compensation money in the widow’s hands, the Army is communicating a powerful message to the family that the widow alone has a right to the man’s income. Hence only her loss deserves to be compensated.

But what about the loss for the old parents? What if their son was the onlyearning member in an impoverished family? Most army jawans come from poorpeasant families who make all kinds of sacrifices to get their sons amodicum of education. Often, the parents are debt ridden. Who is to compensate their loss? Who is to give them care and support in old age?

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An important reason for the increase in domestic conflicts, rising dowrydemands and the transformation of dowry from stridhan to groom price isthat our legal enactments, administrative interventions and state policiesare forcing the nuclearisation of families without due attention to thefact that children, especially sons, are in most cases the only, or main oldage security for the vast majority of people in India.

Not just in metropolitan cities, but even in small towns and villages of India, young wives insist on moving away from the joint family and set up their own independent establishment, even when the in-laws are reasonable and non-intrusive. A man continuing to financially support his parents or younger siblings even after nuclearisation of the family often finds stiff resistance from his wife. Many give up. Sometimes parents themselves withdraw from receiving such support to avoid friction.

In recent years, I have heard any number of parents tell me that marriage no more means kanya daan but putr takeover. These are some of the reasons why dowry is taking the form of `groom price’, with parents expecting that a certain sum of money be given to them almost as `recompense’ for handing over their precious economic asset to the woman who becomes his wife.

One of the sad aspects of interventions to strengthen women’s rights in thelast 2-3 decades has been an overemphasis on the rights of women as wives while their rights as mothers, sisters and daughters are paid scant attention. Even when legislating on inheritance rights, we have ensured a far better deal for women as wives but undermined their interests as daughters and sisters. When enacting laws against domestic violence andabuse, we assume the violation of rights is a one-sided affair, that is,in-laws, especially mothers and sisters-in-law are on a one-way torturespree against young wives. We have paid scant regard to the abuse andneglect of old mothers at the hands of daughters-in-law or the humiliationof women at the hands of bhabis.

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If we want domestic and inter-generational harmony, it is time to work outmore egalitarian norms for co-living, with every member feeling assured that his or her rights are well protected and inalienable. We have already seen and suffered the ill-effects of concentrating all resources of the family in the hands of men. This imbalance cannot be corrected by putting all resources in the hands of a daughter-in-law.

The Army bosses need to work out a more balanced formula for splitting the compensation amount between the wife and the parents of the deceased, say on a 60:40 basis. Or as an alternative, institute two separate life-long pensions (one for the widow, one for parents) ensuring that an adequate portion remains under the actual control of the widow so that neither her own brothers, nor in-laws can force her to part with her share.

The writer is editor of `Manushi’