Opinion Spy Camera

So you were spying against your own country and you got caught. Gloomy times,eh? But have they given you access to a TV? If they have,watch news TV reportage on your spying. You will rediscover the innocent pleasure of laughing out loud.

“Indo-Pak espionage,an age-old saga.” Don’t wonder why the title of CNN-IBN’s spy special employed such a godawful cliché; that’s news TV. The real entertainment is the content. Is betrayal of your own country simple,asked CNN-IBN,as its spy special began. We will never know the answer because immediately the story moved to an ex-spook who said,mystifyingly,that in espionage one word,said or unsaid,can tell you a whole lot of stories. You are laughing already,right? But pay attention. Because the next cut is to a James Bond movie clip. What’s Sean Connery doing in a story on Madhuri Gupta? Don’t ask. But if you insist,here’s CNN-IBN’s “explanation”: Bond films of the 1970s and the 1980s showed how US-USSR espionage battles ruled the imagination. What? Yes,I know,but I did say,don’t ask. Watch,instead. From Connery the story cuts to Indian and Pakistani PMs shaking hands,and the voiceover said for decades leaders in India and Pakistan,too,took clear sides. And those sides were? Don’t ask. Concentrate on another expert who tells CNN-IBN intelligence agencies can offer money,women and wine as inducements. I could have said that. You could have said that. Why aren’t we on TV as intelligence experts? CNN-IBN wrapped up its special by telling us that it is obvious Indian officials posted in Pakistan are waiting to be tapped. Really? That seems to be a national security disaster and when that happens you must turn to Times Now.

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What’s Pakistan got to hide,asked Times Now. What followed was ground-breaking journalism,I think. First,Times Now was aghast,on the nation’s behalf,that Pakistan’s foreign minister,foreign secretary and foreign office spokesperson didn’t tell TV cameras that yes,we admit,live and exclusive to all of you,that Madhuri Gupta was spying for Pakistan. Second,Times Now was even more aghast that Pakistan wasn’t offering to help. Meaning,why isn’t Pakistan telling India who Madhuri Gupta’s Pakistani handlers were. Why isn’t it sharing details of Pakistani bank transactions? Yes,yes. How can the Pakistani government think it can get away without providing a full and frank confession to Indian news TV? Come to our TV studios and tell us everything. Why not allow Times Now cameras inside ISI? Won’t that be dangerous,you are asking? Nah. I think ISI will cope.

And then there was India TV. Boyfriend ne kiya blackmail,India TV told us,summing up the Madhuri Gupta story. Pyaar ke liye gaddari — and there was the boyfriend,a sketch of a man in red shirt,with the caption: Rana. And there was the girlfriend: a sketch of a woman holding a phone with a signboard behind her,carrying the legend,High Commissioner of India. Absolutely great stuff. And this is just the beginning. I am waiting for India TV’s recreation of the whole story: how boyfriend met girlfriend,how love blossomed,how boyfriend blackmailed girlfriend.

It should be riveting,unless ISI reveals all details to Times Now.

saubhik.chakrabarti@expressindia.com